I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
