my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
