textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
