he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
