I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
