If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
