You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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