I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
