saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I forget how to act sober
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