its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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