My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
