its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
