Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
