I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
