i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
