dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
