drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
