i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
