my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
