Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
