Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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