I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
