You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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