I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
