god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
