i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
