Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
