Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
