the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
