I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
