i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
