then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
