Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize