Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
