Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
