i barfeds in our rink
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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