I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
