i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
