She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
