he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
