But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize