I heard we made out
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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