Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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