I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Drake has all the answers
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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