there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
