Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
