I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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