What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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