I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
it glows. i had to have it.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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