i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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