I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
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