I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
