my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
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