i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
