Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
