Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
