She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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