Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
