This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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