She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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